Monday, September 7, 2015

Big Cats and blog reboots.

So man, I haven't touched this blog in a while and I finally realized why. Instead of saying things all the time, I was waiting until I found these perfect things to say. And then the perfect things wouldn't come out the way I liked, and so I would unpublish my posts and tell myself that tomorrow was a new day; tomorrow, I would find some kind of incredible inspiration, surely, but I kept coming up empty.

And I've decided that's stupid. So I am going to say all the things, because really, this isn't a soap box and I'm not Maya fucking Angelou. This blog is a little piece of my adorably neurotic implosion of a brain, and the random thoughts that I have are what make me, me. And I'm not perfect and so my blog shouldn't be either. So get ready to read lots of my randomness.

So here's my random thoughts (so far) for today:

I keep having these dreams about big cats. And when I say "big cats", I don't mean house cats with an eating disorder, I mean pumas and panthers. In my dreams, they aren't chasing, but stalking me. I am walking through a path in the middle of unfamiliar, wooded territory and I see them out of the corner of my eye-- Flashes of cat-eyed pupils peeking through the bush, watching me and laying in wait.

And of course, I did what I do for all the things, from self surgery to diy kid's birthday parties I'll never actually plan; I took to Google.

Google says that the big cats are indications that I'm surrounded by feminine power and I'm afraid of losing control.

Damn, Google. Now, not only do you tell me that I'm dying about 99% of the time I'm logged into the computer, but you also plants seeds of paranoia for group usurpation. 

I run what I consider to be a feminist centered Facebook group. No, it's not a bunch of "Feminazis" (said tongue in cheek, because I hate that term) sitting around bashing men, it's a group where women come together and talk shop about sex. And it is thrilling and sexy and empowering and gentle and kind and thoughtful and, really, all the things a woman's group aspires to be.

And I don't just say that because it's mine, I say that because I love my girls to the bone (hehe) and I would guard them with my life. So maybe I'm afraid that someone in the group will try to do me in. Maybe I'm afraid that all eyes are on me and that if I make a false move, I will get eaten alive. But maybe those big cats are the things I'm protecting my girls from. One slip up and our group goes to shit, our bubble is popped and wonderland is destroyed. It's a lot of pressure on me and I do feel like I'm always being watched, always reminded about the fact that at any time, the scales could tip in an unfavorable direction and it could all be over. The dust could kick up, fighting and name slinging could start and the group could crumble, much like every other online group. I'm at the mercy of the big cats and their will to pounce.

But they don't. They follow but they don't ever pounce. I walk through dream land, navigating this rough terrain and seeing those cats, but I stand there among them, holding my own. And so I'm proud. I'm scared shitless, but I'm amazed at the things we are accomplishing each day, and how, each day that we come together in harmony, holding hands and walking together, the big cats stay in the brush.

So with this little blog reboot, I want to say thank you to my girls. You are my inspiration and you help me soldier on. <3

And also, fuck bronchitis. Fuck it right in the ass. Oh, and sugar free coffee creamer is actually pretty good.

Have a good day, Peoples!

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