Wednesday, July 23, 2014


I am the best listener you will ever meet. When you have a problem, I will listen and I will cry with you. We will talk about things; things that matter a lot to you, and as such, they will matter a lot to me. You will bear your soul to me; be vulnerable with me, in ways that I will never be able to repay. I will happily rejoice in your triumphs and support you through your failures.

I am a great friend.

But I am horrible at friendship.

It's my understanding that for this to work, it has to be a give and take. I don't reach out. When my boat sinks, I try to act like the hole isn't there. I'll tell you to look at the pretty birds while I discreetly scoop out the water. I have an internal struggle and resolution before anyone ever realizes to ask me what I'm thinking about. I am a self-cleaning oven.

My husband says I am a Sociopath.

Maybe he's right.

When I go to therapy, I lie. I know it's stupid, but I do. I'm afraid my therapist will judge me. Afraid he will brand me with some psychological diagnosis that belies all the hard work I do to try to make myself appear sane and happy and functional. I'm afraid that he will haul me off and send CPS to my house, round up my kids and tell them what a horrible, tortured soul I am.

I pen up all these feelings and shove them down. Shove them so deep, my toenails start to throb.

"Just a little stress. Kids. Work. I'm great though. How are you?"

I can't tell you how many times I've become the therapist's therapist.

And then I get to this point. The point where I just don't know if I can keep it up.

And I have no one. Which, I mean, is completely nonsensical because there are people around me. It's just that I've emotionally banished myself. Made myself a one woman island and am now stewing in the fact that I have no one to gripe to about it to. But I don't know how to stop. Or, I guess, to start.

I've never been good at this. I'm not good at allowing people to see my underbelly. I hate the attention. I hate feeling like I'm pulling focus. Like I'm sharing things that might get twisted around and become future weapons of my enemies. Some how, at some point, that became my biggest and most self-destructive motivator. Must not arm others who might hurt you. Like never reaching out and never having friends is any better?

You have to learn to be your own best friend. 

I've heard this cliche and even repeated it myself when giving others advice. Well, I've lived a lonely 30 years of being my own best friend and it's god damned exhausting. I'm demanding and fussy. My best friend is never in one stable mood, and sometimes, I think she needs to be committed. And I don't mean, cute, "Bitch, you kinda cray" committed. I mean lock down, drugs in the vein, padded cell, hopefully someone comes to visit once a year and wipes the drool off my chin, committed.

I don't want to be my own best friend anymore.

I want a real best friend. One I can hug and finish sentences with. Someone who will giggle with me and pillow fight.... and do all those things that I guess are also cliches, and also kinda porny. But honestly, I don't know what best friends do because I've never had one.

I'm trying to put myself out there, but I'm still learning how to dial it down. Figuring out the appropriate amount of self disclosure, and hoping I don't fly too close to the sun. If you all get full frontal pictures in your inboxes, just take it as a learning curve, pls k thx.

I'm trying to find a way to befriend people without having to perceive myself as having something to offer them. Right now every interaction is a sale's pitch. Every engagement is an exercise in futility because I know how this usually ends-- With me finally telling myself that all this shit is just too much work on my part and pulling out. Exiling myself to the recluse island, licking my wounds and vowing to never try again.

But fuck that. No. I can't this time.
I can't do this one woman island shit anymore. 
And this is an insane amount of mental gymnastics for a grown-assed woman. 

So here's my keeping it real sales pitch:
Does anyone want a friend who:
-Is an insufferable self saboteur?
-Will use humor as a defense mechanism?
-Thinks CPS is for real showing up to take the kids every time she hears police sirens?
-Probably needs medication, but out therapitizes every therapist she ever meets?
-Refuses to talk to about why she is crying? (The husband loves this one, btw)
-Never feels good enough, or strong enough?
-Can be having a great day and be taken down in two seconds flat by harsh criticism?
-Isn't going to babysit/pay for your gas/cook you food/any other means of making it "worth it" to you to be her friend?
-Wants to be able to show her children what it means to have friends and really, really connect with people, without having to build up this impenetrable wall?

If any of that sounds doable for you, message me, as I am officially taking best friend applications. I don't know how this is going to end up going, but I have a feeling it will look something like this:

Any takers?

No comments:

Post a Comment